TGI Friday! So, everyone, I know it’s been a tough week. Here at the Republic of Bacon, we’ve been feeling it, too. So, while your boss ain’t looking, might we suggest a distraction to get you through the last slow hours before your weekend begins? Yeah, that’s right, we’ve got a redonkulous new bacon website to tell you about that will provide maximum time suckage: Bacon Freak. Details after the jump.
For the Bacon Lover Who Has It All
Bacon Freak is your one stop shop for everything bacon-inspired. I’ve delved into their vaults and pulled out some of my favourites.
1. Bacon Lollipops
Life isn’t a bowl of candy or box of chocolates. It’s a bacon lollipop! Like hard candy for smokers who can’t smoke, bacon lollipops are the perfect substitute for the bacon fiend when they can’t get a hold of their favourite food item. But these ‘pops only work for so long – eventually you have to go back to the real stuff.
2. Bacon Refrigerator Magnets
When your little Kaylee or Jordan draws a super wicked picture of a flying octopus that shoots laser beams, what are you using to hang it on your fridge? Some magnet that you got from you real estate agent or that guy who fertilized your lawn that one time? I’m not someone to question another person’s parenting skills. But it’s wack, yo. Your kid’s work deserves the awesomeness that only bacon can bring. Buy it now, or you are going to be hearing about this in twenty years time whenever they come down for the holidays: “Mom and Dad, why didn’t you hang up my pictures with a bacon magnet like all of the other kids in the neighbourhood?”
3. Tactical Bacon
I’m not sure when I would need this. Fresh bacon does not seem to be in that much of a short supply that I’d have to store cans of it in my basement. And I’m guessing that the bacon inside these thar cans will have suffered slightly in quality during the canning process. But never mind that! As I like to say, I buy bacon first and then ask questions later.
4. Bacon Coffee
Life is getting busier all of the time. Some days, I barely have time to put my pants on before I leave my house. Other days, I have to make a Sophie’s Choice between whether I make coffee or bacon. Skip coffee, and everyone will think I’m dumb. Skip bacon, and I’ll be sad. The choice, I think you can see, is obvious. But now I can have my coffee and eat my bacon too! Bacon and coffee are meant to be devoured as quickly as possible, anyway, so it just makes sense to skip a step and blend them together.
5. Bacon Popcorn
I don’t really need more reasons to sit on my butt watching television and movies and bright things that flash in meaningful sequences. But I’ll make an exception for bacon popcorn. After all, I can almost hear it whispering in my ear, complimenting me on my ability to solve differential equations while I jet ski, telling me, “You don’t need to get off the couch. Just keep sitting and enjoy the way the bacon and the popcorn sizzle in your mouth.” I stopped listening to magical voices after that whole unfortunate leprechaun incident, but Mr Bacon Popcorn is probably telling me the truth.