A few days ago I found a poster that claimed to be the rules of bacon. The rules of bacon! Why does bacon have to have any rules? Shouldn’t bacon be free to roam the streets of the world, doing whatever it wants? I would like to think so. But someone has apparently disagreed, and has compiled a list of rules for bacon. Who’s right? Today, I’ll examine the rules and try to decide if they are actually the rules to live a bacon-rich life by. The rules and all that follow after the jump.
“1. There must always be bacon in the fridge, always”
Well, if we are going to have any rules about bacon, I suppose this is one that we could all agree upon. I definitely try to keep some bacon in the fridge at all times. And I also keep some bacon bits in the cupboard. You never know when disaster will strike!
“2. There does not exist a food that does not go well with bacon”
Okay, some of these rules are making sense. I think there’s plenty of evidence on this blog that bacon pretty much goes with anything. But isn’t this sort of the opposite of a rule? Isn’t this about how bacon transcends all of our human rules about bacon?
“3. There are two kinds of people in this world: those who like bacon, and those who will be used as fodder in the case of a zombie apocalypse.”
This is just a bit cruel, isn’t it? And also what if it’s a werewolf apocalypse instead of a zombie apocalypse? VERY SHORT-SIGHTED, I SAY.
“4. Even pigs like bacon. Fact.”
I’ll take your word for that, ‘cause it’s kind of weird.
“5. Crispy and chewy are both acceptable ways to cook bacon. Thou shalt not discriminate.”
I totally agree. But once again, this is the opposite of a rule. Bacon is free! You could even eat bacon that’s both crispy and chewy. Did I just blow your mind?
“6. 90% of the world’s problems can be solved by cooking more bacon.”
Okay, cosign. Maybe this whole rules thing isn’t such a terrible idea.
“8. If your computer is antiquated and slow, you can feed it bacon through the floppy drive to make it run faster.”
We’re skipping over number seven. But I tried to do this step and then my computer began acting funny and th1!afop%$eifna23vvnal ldkfnalk adne;l
“9. Meals without bacon are rarely worth eating.”
Correct! Although I do think exceptions can be made for glasses of water.
“10. When given a breathalyser, the number they give you is your BAC.”
It goes on for a little bit after that, but it’s sorta incomprehensible? In fact, the last three rules are a bit nonsensical. We’ll just skip over them. I figure, at this point, that we’ve covered all of the main points. And hey? Why don’t we just narrow it done to two rules:
1. Bacon is awesome.
2. Bacon can do whatever it wants.
What do you think of the bacon rules? If you were going to invent some, what would you make as the rules for bacon?